Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
