I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
