A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize