Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
high people should be assigned attendants
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
