So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
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I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
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So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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