after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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