I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
