Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
