So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
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who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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