You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
