Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
