I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
