I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
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Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM