I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone