so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.