The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
