did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
