just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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