My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
