Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
