my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
