It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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