Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
