my being single is dangerous.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
