If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Randomize
