I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
