Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
