the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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