HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
