The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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