I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Bring me that man meat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
