FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
