the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
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Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
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We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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