the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
