cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
