Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
