I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He passed out mid-signature
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
