Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
