she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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