I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Are we still banned from the library?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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