i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
