dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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