how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
