i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
