my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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