I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
