highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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