You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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