I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
