There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
how drunk are you?
Several
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
