About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
