Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
