either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YAS. BRING CRAB.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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