Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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