Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
