Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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