1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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