I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
